Friday, November 8, 2024

I am thinking about buying the winterberry

 

Of course there are a lot of factors to consider. For starters, you'd need to make room. You'd need to relocate the blueberries, which you've already planted in the bed where you envision the winterberry taking root. Where would they go? It's possible they'd survive on the hillside in the backyard, though you don't have a hose hooked up back there. Be honest: Would you really water them? Then again, given their propensity for dry soils, would you need to? You were excited about the blueberries when you planted them, and now you're feeling excited, albeit more so, about the winterberry. Before we dismiss this as a case of greener pastures, however, let's consider that you are refining your preferences every day. It's possible the vision you have for your garden these days is different than the vision you once had. You have evolved and you have a keener eye for garden design now than you did then. There's validity to your instinct: The verticality and the parallelism of the winterberry might in fact align better with the bed's shape and location as well as the azalea in the middle of it. The blueberries are useful, and tasty surely, but perhaps a bit squat. It's possible they might not grow large enough to provide everything you need or were looking for when you decided to bring new shrubs into your life. Of course, it's difficult to determine, when weighing the pros and cons of blueberries versus winterberries, whether or not the bush that's already growing in your homestead is superior to the shrub that has enticed you but has not yet proven itself a viable partner to your garden's soil, location, and goals. 


Saturday, November 2, 2024

taking my mother out to dinner

 

It was difficult to find parking 

The line is too long 

There are two separate lines and it's confusing

The wait will be nearly an hour

No, I don't want to go anywhere else

The restaurant is too loud

It seems like every restaurant is too loud these days 

It's hard to find a table 

I think we have to go upstairs

Crap, it's crowded here too 

They were out of my first choice

I really wanted that reuben 

I guess I'll get the falafel, my third choice 

I don't even know what this drink is 

The room is too cold 

I don't know why my friend won't get her hearing checked 

If the food isn't ready soon my body will decide it's no longer hungry

No, if I eat anyway, I'll pay for it 

I'm hosting my friends next weekend but I wish I hadn't said yes 

They'll be here the same day that I have to pack for my trip 

You'll be here for Christmas, right? 

The room is still too cold 



I wish I had time to have a mental breakdown

 

Alas the emails need written


Alas the leaves are piling up against the brick porch 


The car's tires are deflating 


The meeting is at 10:45


You must prove yourself 


The carex needs to be planted



I wish for a time when I could wear black continuously and sit contemplating in a hay field, and everyone would understand 




Sunday, October 20, 2024

Sam Cooke in the morning

 


I hadn't known how he died

He tried to rape a woman 

The bullet pierced his heart

The funeral home leaked 



The horse show isn't what it used to be 

So many people abandon their origins to memory 

I left so many times 

I'm here because I still think it's important 


The 4-H clubs and the pony shows and the equine therapy 


We're all different with each other and in different places 

Is anyone who they claim to be 

Is it fair to expect it? 

How do you judge a person? 


I like him on the table but what's he like at home at 10pm on a Tuesday 

For example 


My idol is a woman who conducted herself with integrity always, was kind to children, held others to a high-but-fair standard, and did good in her community. She didn't have a storied resume. She wasn't famous and she didn't need to be. Salt of the earth. 



Wednesday, October 16, 2024

indulgence

 

It's not that it's dark 

It's blank 


Force yourself up, say fuck, work all day, try to catch up on chores, fall further behind 

Do it again 



My Dad's book said, Chop wood. Carry water. 


There can be dignity here. 


I do not embody it. 


My Dad is I refuse to write it.



In my mind I'm drunk and chain smoking on the bank of a river 


I write the script / I am drinking 

I draft the report / I am drinking 

I tend the garden / cigarette smoke seeps from the hair follicles on my arms



Externally she is keeping things together 

Her Mom never missed a day of work 


Are you getting back to normal?


It has been three months. 



It has been so long. 

I do not remember what normal felt like. 



Is gratitude the same as joy? 


I'm so fucking sad 




Friday, October 11, 2024

Nicknames for Suzie

 

Suze

Suzie Q 

Suzie McQuzy 

Suze McQ

The Baby 

Beeps 

Beepy Deep 

Beepy Deeps

Beepy Deepy 

Beepsy 

Beepsy Boo 

Angel Baby 

Honey Baby

Sweet Honey Girl 

Sweetie Patootie 

Cutie Patootie 

Sweet Little Angel 

Angel Girl 

Girly Whirly 

Beepsy Boppity Boo 



Monday, July 1, 2024

Heart emojis everywhere

 


These people are sick 

A perversion of care 

Action eclipsed by fawning 



I did ask for it

Help, I mean 

It never came and it never came and it never came 



They feign oblivion—

Who benefits? 


It's not the water snake you have to watch out for 

It's the frog 








Two egrets stand alone in a cascade of water 


When everyone has changed the subject 

You are the one who remains