Time zones have aligned
Two dogs whoofing sleep breaths out their nostrils
He mounted the horse and he rode it
I feel like a shaken baby
We walked a horseshoe inside the creek
The weekend started out strong
Now I'm counseling psychosis
I have some experience with people who are out of their minds
Mine is not the steadiest ground
Driving back roads through the country
Water stretching beyond, beyond —
It's so pretty here
Does the onslaught ever stop
He held up a mirror and I looked so sad
The clarity of knowing how to canoe
The confidence of having directly sowed the lettuce seed
Tomatoes happily growing
Downy wood mint coming into bloom
Avoiding the hitch that hooks me to his star
Remember when I planted swamp milkweed in the dry dark?
Oh remember that ghastly comment made from ignorance
Remember how you got stitched into his sweater and nearly lost your mind on the office floor
Now the winterberry sets itself to thriving
Now you align the green hull with the bobbing dock, perfectly and on the first try
You stand in your garden in socks and sandals and harvest a bowl full of strawberries
At last I've made it
Shin-deep in the creek
The fray of whitewater bouncing
down the waterfall
How long it took to get here
Lost in the Harrisburg suburbs
Too high to read the cardinal directions
Shot through aluminum
Bushwhacking to the water
That maroon knit coat
One large boulder becomes a talus field at twelve thousand feet
Jogging past ancient pines
I only wear technical jackets —
Down fill power, nylon ripstop, wind and waterproofing
I was so embarrassed
I thought you loved me
Today the dog plunges into the water after a buoyant yellow stick
Today my toe hurts after slamming it, bare, into a birch root
Today I climbed down to the water alone
Today you are merely a ghost
The steering wheel, a reminder
We are all struggling to grow
The struggle is part of the growth, I mean
Every other time I've hunted out my own failures
Arrived apologizing, first fingers then bed
Did the research
Sorted things out
Prepared the plan for moving forward
This time I'm simply taking care of me
Absent of animosity
A kind of freedom
Oh Mt. Sopris —
Wind, horse
When it thunders, the birds don't stop singing
Do I judge you, of course
But also, I understand
I did it too
Now that we're clear
I'm moving on
Watching the dogs wade into cold creek water
Eddies around their brown and black legs
Digging up liriope
Planting heuchera and sedges
He rakes leaves and small branches
I take off my hat, unzip my vest
The dogs run together
That wildlife sign a reminder of friendship
Bought some toilet paper
Sanitized the tub
Vacuumed the upstairs carpets
Turned myself into a gray rock
Turned myself back into a person
Drove to the doughnut shop
Waxed poetic about ceramic mugs
Laid on my side in the fetal position, gripping my ginger tea
And what of tomorrow?
Whatever happens, I'll prioritize feeling
The sharp elderly woman in the grocery store aisle who joked with me about how we both hold our pee too long
The smiling man holding the door for me as I wheeled my cart out of the seed store
The boy who told me wistfully, over and over again as he followed his mom into the creek, that my dogs are so cute
Perhaps I am not often vulnerable
Perhaps I get that, to a certain extent, from and perhaps to a certain extent I had that forced upon me by her
Fancying myself a coach, I ceased to practice
I remember driving past the cemetery, shocked by the abjectness of getting a tattoo
Memories—those sometimes awful things—
also help tether me here
Also, saying it out loud
In the woods by the water she plunged her face in
Yes the incapacity is devastating, and still—
We are raising a creature, together
See how magical