indulgence

 

It's not that it's dark 

It's blank 

Force yourself up, say fuck, work all day, try to catch up on chores, fall further behind 

Do it again 

My Dad's book said, Chop wood. Carry water. 

There can be dignity here. 

I do not embody it. 

My Dad is I refuse to write it.

In my mind I'm drunk and chain smoking on the bank of a river 

I write the script / I am drinking 

I draft the report / I am drinking 

I tend the garden / cigarette smoke seeps from the hair follicles on my arms

Externally she is keeping things together 

Her Mom never missed a day of work 

Are you getting back to normal?

It has been three months. 

It has been so long. 

I do not remember what normal felt like. 

Is gratitude the same as joy? 

I'm so fucking sad 

Nicknames for Suzie

 

Suze

Suzie Q 

Suzie McQuzy 

Suze McQ

The Baby 

Beeps 

Beepy Deep 

Beepy Deeps

Beepy Deepy 

Beepsy 

Beepsy Boo 

Angel Baby 

Honey Baby

Sweet Honey Girl 

Sweetie Patootie 

Cutie Patootie 

Sweet Little Angel 

Angel Girl 

Girly Whirly 

Beepsy Boppity Boo 

Heart emojis everywhere

 

These people are sick 

A perversion of care 

Action eclipsed by fawning 

I did ask for it

Help, I mean 

It never came and it never came and it never came 

They feign oblivion—

Who benefits? 

It's not the water snake you have to watch out for 

It's the frog 

Two egrets stand alone in a cascade of water 

When everyone has changed the subject 

You are the one who remains 

and/both

 

At least it's Milkshake Monday 

After coating myself in P. incanum oils 

Earthy and redolent 

We walked the dog through the woods and played with her in the creek 

I make the points and then I stop

The deer have eaten my Fragaria

I can see now that you were unavailable 

Back on the bike again 

Only eleven easy miles, drizzly and wonderful 

Soon enough we'll be looping the big ascent 

I have developed some parasocial relationships 

Feels good to know more of what I'm doing 

I no longer feel unmoored 

I do feel, perhaps, a little rudderless 

Still, she is planting 

It takes years to know what's really taken root 

The goslings are getting so big 

Am I supposed to apologize for being cheesy? I mean it 

Remember when I lived in Queens? I ran through Astoria Park several times a week  

The students and I stroll slowly through the rainy gardens, sit describing a bromeliad in the internationally renowned conservatory 

I wish the mountains didn't feel so far away 

Tomorrow I will tend the native garden as children play around me 

Last Friday I waded knee-deep into creek water and splashed about with my dogs 

The wolf pads silently through the forest 

On Sunday I'll learn about birdsong

hospital visit

 

Time zones have aligned

Two dogs whoofing sleep breaths out their nostrils 

He mounted the horse and he rode it 

I feel like a shaken baby 

We walked a horseshoe inside the creek 

The weekend started out strong 

Now I'm counseling psychosis 

I have some experience with people who are out of their minds 

Mine is not the steadiest ground 

Driving back roads through the country 

Water stretching beyond, beyond — 

It's so pretty here 

Does the onslaught ever stop 

He held up a mirror and I looked so sad 

Less bluff and bluster

 

The clarity of knowing how to canoe 

The confidence of having directly sowed the lettuce seed 

Tomatoes happily growing 

Downy wood mint coming into bloom 

Avoiding the hitch that hooks me to his star 

Remember when I planted swamp milkweed in the dry dark? 

Oh remember that ghastly comment made from ignorance 

Remember how you got stitched into his sweater and nearly lost your mind on the office floor 

Now the winterberry sets itself to thriving 

Now you align the green hull with the bobbing dock, perfectly and on the first try 

You stand in your garden in socks and sandals and harvest a bowl full of strawberries 

limer

At last I've made it

Shin-deep in the creek 

The fray of whitewater bouncing 

down the waterfall 

How long it took to get here 

Lost in the Harrisburg suburbs 

Too high to read the cardinal directions 

Shot through aluminum 

Bushwhacking to the water 

That maroon knit coat 

One large boulder becomes a talus field at twelve thousand feet 

Jogging past ancient pines 

I only wear technical jackets —

Down fill power, nylon ripstop, wind and waterproofing 

I was so embarrassed

I thought you loved me 

Today the dog plunges into the water after a buoyant yellow stick

Today my toe hurts after slamming it, bare, into a birch root 

Today I climbed down to the water alone 

Today you are merely a ghost