taking my mother out to dinner

 

It was difficult to find parking 

The line is too long 

There are two separate lines and it's confusing

The wait will be nearly an hour

No, I don't want to go anywhere else

The restaurant is too loud

It seems like every restaurant is too loud these days 

It's hard to find a table 

I think we have to go upstairs

Crap, it's crowded here too 

They were out of my first choice

I really wanted that reuben 

I guess I'll get the falafel, my third choice 

I don't even know what this drink is 

The room is too cold 

I don't know why my friend won't get her hearing checked 

If the food isn't ready soon my body will decide it's no longer hungry

No, if I eat anyway, I'll pay for it 

I'm hosting my friends next weekend but I wish I hadn't said yes 

They'll be here the same day that I have to pack for my trip 

You'll be here for Christmas, right? 

The room is still too cold 

I wish I had time to have a mental breakdown

 

Alas the emails need written

Alas the leaves are piling up against the brick porch 

The car's tires are deflating 

The meeting is at 10:45

You must prove yourself 

The carex needs to be planted

I wish for a time when I could wear black continuously and sit contemplating in a hay field, and everyone would understand 

Sam Cooke in the morning

 

I hadn't known how he died

He tried to rape a woman 

The bullet pierced his heart

The funeral home leaked 

The horse show isn't what it used to be 

So many people abandon their origins to memory 

I left so many times 

I'm here because I still think it's important 

The 4-H clubs and the pony shows and the equine therapy 

We're all different with each other and in different places 

Is anyone who they claim to be 

Is it fair to expect it? 

How do you judge a person? 

I like him on the table but what's he like at home at 10pm on a Tuesday 

For example 

My idol is a woman who conducted herself with integrity always, was kind to children, held others to a high-but-fair standard, and did good in her community. She didn't have a storied resume. She wasn't famous and she didn't need to be. Salt of the earth. 

indulgence

 

It's not that it's dark 

It's blank 

Force yourself up, say fuck, work all day, try to catch up on chores, fall further behind 

Do it again 

My Dad's book said, Chop wood. Carry water. 

There can be dignity here. 

I do not embody it. 

My Dad is I refuse to write it.

In my mind I'm drunk and chain smoking on the bank of a river 

I write the script / I am drinking 

I draft the report / I am drinking 

I tend the garden / cigarette smoke seeps from the hair follicles on my arms

Externally she is keeping things together 

Her Mom never missed a day of work 

Are you getting back to normal?

It has been three months. 

It has been so long. 

I do not remember what normal felt like. 

Is gratitude the same as joy? 

I'm so fucking sad 

Nicknames for Suzie

 

Suze

Suzie Q 

Suzie McQuzy 

Suze McQ

The Baby 

Beeps 

Beepy Deep 

Beepy Deeps

Beepy Deepy 

Beepsy 

Beepsy Boo 

Angel Baby 

Honey Baby

Sweet Honey Girl 

Sweetie Patootie 

Cutie Patootie 

Sweet Little Angel 

Angel Girl 

Girly Whirly 

Beepsy Boppity Boo 

Heart emojis everywhere

 

These people are sick 

A perversion of care 

Action eclipsed by fawning 

I did ask for it

Help, I mean 

It never came and it never came and it never came 

They feign oblivion—

Who benefits? 

It's not the water snake you have to watch out for 

It's the frog 

Two egrets stand alone in a cascade of water 

When everyone has changed the subject 

You are the one who remains 

and/both

 

At least it's Milkshake Monday 

After coating myself in P. incanum oils 

Earthy and redolent 

We walked the dog through the woods and played with her in the creek 

I make the points and then I stop

The deer have eaten my Fragaria

I can see now that you were unavailable 

Back on the bike again 

Only eleven easy miles, drizzly and wonderful 

Soon enough we'll be looping the big ascent 

I have developed some parasocial relationships 

Feels good to know more of what I'm doing 

I no longer feel unmoored 

I do feel, perhaps, a little rudderless 

Still, she is planting 

It takes years to know what's really taken root 

The goslings are getting so big 

Am I supposed to apologize for being cheesy? I mean it 

Remember when I lived in Queens? I ran through Astoria Park several times a week  

The students and I stroll slowly through the rainy gardens, sit describing a bromeliad in the internationally renowned conservatory 

I wish the mountains didn't feel so far away 

Tomorrow I will tend the native garden as children play around me 

Last Friday I waded knee-deep into creek water and splashed about with my dogs 

The wolf pads silently through the forest 

On Sunday I'll learn about birdsong