Saturday, November 5, 2022

Ask me then

 


Before I was 35 I would not have believed that sleeping in a soft bed after attending a show, comfortably removed from the seedy haze of post-show festivities, could be just as pleasurable and vitalizing as sleeping in the grass at the base of a tree somewhere on the venue's grounds. I would have thought anyone who said that had given up on life. From this vantage point, I see that in fact I am appreciating life in new and different ways, and the appreciation is no more stultifying merely because its locus has changed. In fact these days the life-giving force of a comfortable bed is both different and in many ways equitable to the vibrancy of sleeping drunk and buzzing under the stars 






Tuesday, November 1, 2022

This softened state

 


The upside of my back injury is that I have gradually and with much emotional toil become less concerned with my muscles

My arms are softer and I feel calm about it

A revelation

In fact I was thinking earlier how much I like thirty-something bodies, mine included 

They've been humbled, lived in. They know some things. They've encountered limitations and kept going. There's something so attractive about a body as it slows down, as it grows wiser. There's less pretending; it's less possible. They're softer. When you press into them, and you are also in a lived-in body, they squish together. They make room for each other 


For a little while there I mistook physical toughness for strength -- all the rock climbing and the mountaineering and the bike climbs and the backcountry skiing. And I was strong, and I'm grateful for it, and I'm glad to know I'm that capable. And also I think I am stronger now, in this softened state, than I had been for quite some time 





Monday, October 31, 2022

Pulling up his sandwich socks

 


At long last I have opened the Coloradoan wine, to little fanfare 


I have decided I will hold off on making the decision until after November and then after January and maybe after March 

I close the tab and welcome the cat onto my chest 



Give me a bed frame that lasts for decades 

Tired of disposability 

The small woodland animals brandish a flail, a sword, an axe 

I am not a father  


Teaching him how to look 

He snacks on me like crackers and cheese 

The gap is part of the meaning 


Promising myself I'll remember 

I don't want an Instagram face 


Drying off with a hand towel 

Some things stay the same 


I can say that I'm surprised 

I don't know what lesson I'm supposed to be learning here 



Friday, October 28, 2022

Some things I enjoy doing

 


Raking crunchy brown and orange and red and gold and yellow leaves

Potting up gorgeous plants in pretty pots and finding places for them to thrive inside my home

Interior design and decorating, surprisingly 

Snuggling with Hanna and Wilson 

Reading a good book in a hot bath 

Sitting up in a hot bath with arms by my sides and hands in the water, mind loose 

Ripping out the English ivy on the hill in the backyard--creeping tendrils lifting from shallow roots, dirt spraying 

Walking in the woods 

Spending time with people who are passionate about things about which I am also passionate

Listening to music, especially while driving or via the record player 

Singing, especially in the shower 

Playing (badly) the small keyboard in the front room 

Free writing while sipping a glass of red wine 

Sitting on a chair on the front porch, birdwatching and squirrelwatching and chipmunkwatching 

Seeing people I love feel happy

Gazing over alpine lakes after hiking a long while to get there 

Meditating 

Running my hands through dried beans in large, open-mouthed, burlap bags

Reading gardening magazines 

Fires in the fireplace during the cold, dark days of winter 

Making dinner with and for friends, then eating it together 

Running around the yard with Hanna 

Wildlife sightings 

Shearing Christmas trees

Chatting with my neighbors 

Talking to my sister on the phone 

Snuggling my friends' babies 

Playing and exchanging gifs with my nephew 

Laughing 

Eating almond butter out of the jar with a spoon 

Dipping raw cauliflower in hummus 

Teaching 

Envisioning 

Riding my bike 


Thursday, October 27, 2022

By the property of transmutation

 

Is it a matter of decorum? 

No, only the fear of its rules 


Step one is complete  

 

Noticing myself: less willing to share right now 

Noticing: memories closer to the surface 

Leitmotif rising 

 

shame and drugs and alcohol and whatever

 

One wrong snip takes me back to age 12 

Outsides align with in

You tell her: the Universe is still doing it 



Tuesday, October 25, 2022

We are here in Massachusetts

 


Yes I do have a fork preference 

We are at the ninth out of ten 

Stretching my back on the living room rug

Steadfast companion 


The top shelf is our most spacious offering 

If I google Roy Rogers will I learn horrible things

Unlearning hegemony as bildungsroman 


I used to live in Boston 

Twin-size inflated on the wooden floor 

Milk crates for a closet 

Plastic folding table as desk 

For nearly twenty years I lived in seven hundred square feet or, most often, much fewer 


I used to ride the subway alone at night

Amtrak to New York a couple times a month 

Sleeping alone in the backseat in Wyoming, alone in the backseat in Black Canyon 

Old hat, eventually 

She asks, Did you feel safe? 


Cat calls during every walking commute

You got your boots on 

Every run 

A little kid crossing the road alone for her first time 

A teenager in Kohl's 

A child on a field trip

A young woman in a new city alone 

A young woman traveling across Spain alone 

A young woman riding the subway alone 

Honey you don't have to say it 

Fuck! 


Yeah, I said, I felt pretty safe



When I called him to Somerville he would come

Mono from the afterparty 

Sock on the door handle

Then there's the whole friend issue 


Loon painting and sounds 

Yellow bowl on the coffee table 

I bypass the water softener to water the plants 


I can finish this living room in four steps: change out the rug, buy the blue chair, hang some art (the loons? the buffalo?) over the blue chair, frame the octopus 

How can I defend it. Physical therapy has cost me fifteen hundred dollars 

Metal basket filled with gardening magazines 

The man at the yard sale almost didn't believe me 


I am so laden as I come into this place 

My goal is for every item in my home, or as close as I can get to it, to have a story 



Monday, October 24, 2022

I buy all my groceries at the grocery outlet

 

 

There I go novelty-seeking again 

Like a generic spa experience

I wonder if I still smell the same 


Ovular beige pumpkin on the solid wood side table

Did he not get to think about it beforehand? 

Pronounce my a's funny 


Writing cursive at four years old

Closest thing to destiny 

The spice girls have arrived 


Can I have just a little spread of this? 

In the morning: hips to hips under warm under flannel sheets 

Inflatable monsters bob from the lit-up lawn 

Guilty 

Guilty 


Pumpkin spice yogurt? That is gonna be so good 

Cute round baby face

All those fresh smiles 

If I had to answer I'd say my accent color is mustard gold 

Can you believe that? 


Come on peperomia you can do it 

I have planted the hazelnut and the poppy, a flowering dogwood, another arrowwood and a compact viburnum 

What's left: a red bud, a black gum, a final arrowwood 

I attempted the black gum but kept hitting hickory roots 

Succession is tenuous 


I can't find the salt anywhere

From remnants of the group Opal 

We already did it so we just gotta forge ahead 


Just got some brownies in the oven 

Can you flick off that overhead? 

We can totally move on 


Smoking flowers in the shower 

Having a house is stressful and expensive and fun 

I have never had this chance before


Walking Hanna in the rain 

Feathered crossing guard: one wild turkey ushers the other seven across the road 

Remember when we saw that pheasant with all the baby pheasants? 


You guys are the freaking cutest and the sweetest and the coolest and the absolute best 

Can you turn off that overhead? 

It just slayed me 

That's why we shop local