Monday, October 31, 2022

Pulling up his sandwich socks

 


At long last I have opened the Coloradoan wine, to little fanfare 


I have decided I will hold off on making the decision until after November and then after January and maybe after March 

I close the tab and welcome the cat onto my chest 



Give me a bed frame that lasts for decades 

Tired of disposability 

The small woodland animals brandish a flail, a sword, an axe 

I am not a father  


Teaching him how to look 

He snacks on me like crackers and cheese 

The gap is part of the meaning 


Promising myself I'll remember 

I don't want an Instagram face 


Drying off with a hand towel 

Some things stay the same 


I can say that I'm surprised 

I don't know what lesson I'm supposed to be learning here 



Friday, October 28, 2022

Some things I enjoy doing

 


Raking crunchy brown and orange and red and gold and yellow leaves

Potting up gorgeous plants in pretty pots and finding places for them to thrive inside my home

Interior design and decorating, surprisingly 

Snuggling with Hanna and Wilson 

Reading a good book in a hot bath 

Sitting up in a hot bath with arms by my sides and hands in the water, mind loose 

Ripping out the English ivy on the hill in the backyard--creeping tendrils lifting from shallow roots, dirt spraying 

Walking in the woods 

Spending time with people who are passionate about things about which I am also passionate

Listening to music, especially while driving or via the record player 

Singing, especially in the shower 

Playing (badly) the small keyboard in the front room 

Free writing while sipping a glass of red wine 

Sitting on a chair on the front porch, birdwatching and squirrelwatching and chipmunkwatching 

Seeing people I love feel happy

Gazing over alpine lakes after hiking a long while to get there 

Meditating 

Running my hands through dried beans in large, open-mouthed, burlap bags

Reading gardening magazines 

Fires in the fireplace during the cold, dark days of winter 

Making dinner with and for friends, then eating it together 

Running around the yard with Hanna 

Wildlife sightings 

Shearing Christmas trees

Chatting with my neighbors 

Talking to my sister on the phone 

Snuggling my friends' babies 

Playing and exchanging gifs with my nephew 

Laughing 

Eating almond butter out of the jar with a spoon 

Dipping raw cauliflower in hummus 

Teaching 

Envisioning 

Riding my bike 


Thursday, October 27, 2022

By the property of transmutation

 

Is it a matter of decorum? 

No, only the fear of its rules 


Step one is complete  

 

Noticing myself: less willing to share right now 

Noticing: memories closer to the surface 

Leitmotif rising 

 

shame and drugs and alcohol and whatever

 

One wrong snip takes me back to age 12 

Outsides align with in

You tell her: the Universe is still doing it 



Tuesday, October 25, 2022

We are here in Massachusetts

 


Yes I do have a fork preference 

We are at the ninth out of ten 

Stretching my back on the living room rug

Steadfast companion 


The top shelf is our most spacious offering 

If I google Roy Rogers will I learn horrible things

Unlearning hegemony as bildungsroman 


I used to live in Boston 

Twin-size inflated on the wooden floor 

Milk crates for a closet 

Plastic folding table as desk 

For nearly twenty years I lived in seven hundred square feet or, most often, much fewer 


I used to ride the subway alone at night

Amtrak to New York a couple times a month 

Sleeping alone in the backseat in Wyoming, alone in the backseat in Black Canyon 

Old hat, eventually 

She asks, Did you feel safe? 


Cat calls during every walking commute

You got your boots on 

Every run 

A little kid crossing the road alone for her first time 

A teenager in Kohl's 

A child on a field trip

A young woman in a new city alone 

A young woman traveling across Spain alone 

A young woman riding the subway alone 

Honey you don't have to say it 

Fuck! 


Yeah, I said, I felt pretty safe



When I called him to Somerville he would come

Mono from the afterparty 

Sock on the door handle

Then there's the whole friend issue 


Loon painting and sounds 

Yellow bowl on the coffee table 

I bypass the water softener to water the plants 


I can finish this living room in four steps: change out the rug, buy the blue chair, hang some art (the loons? the buffalo?) over the blue chair, frame the octopus 

How can I defend it. Physical therapy has cost me fifteen hundred dollars 

Metal basket filled with gardening magazines 

The man at the yard sale almost didn't believe me 


I am so laden as I come into this place 

My goal is for every item in my home, or as close as I can get to it, to have a story 



Monday, October 24, 2022

I buy all my groceries at the grocery outlet

 

 

There I go novelty-seeking again 

Like a generic spa experience

I wonder if I still smell the same 


Ovular beige pumpkin on the solid wood side table

Did he not get to think about it beforehand? 

Pronounce my a's funny 


Writing cursive at four years old

Closest thing to destiny 

The spice girls have arrived 


Can I have just a little spread of this? 

In the morning: hips to hips under warm under flannel sheets 

Inflatable monsters bob from the lit-up lawn 

Guilty 

Guilty 


Pumpkin spice yogurt? That is gonna be so good 

Cute round baby face

All those fresh smiles 

If I had to answer I'd say my accent color is mustard gold 

Can you believe that? 


Come on peperomia you can do it 

I have planted the hazelnut and the poppy, a flowering dogwood, another arrowwood and a compact viburnum 

What's left: a red bud, a black gum, a final arrowwood 

I attempted the black gum but kept hitting hickory roots 

Succession is tenuous 


I can't find the salt anywhere

From remnants of the group Opal 

We already did it so we just gotta forge ahead 


Just got some brownies in the oven 

Can you flick off that overhead? 

We can totally move on 


Smoking flowers in the shower 

Having a house is stressful and expensive and fun 

I have never had this chance before


Walking Hanna in the rain 

Feathered crossing guard: one wild turkey ushers the other seven across the road 

Remember when we saw that pheasant with all the baby pheasants? 


You guys are the freaking cutest and the sweetest and the coolest and the absolute best 

Can you turn off that overhead? 

It just slayed me 

That's why we shop local 


Sunday, October 23, 2022

just about sulfates-free

 


That is literally the smallest load of laundry I've ever done in my life 

At the laundromat in Maine. At the laundromat in Queens. At the laundromat in a small dusty town in the Rockies.


In order to remove part of the rambling rose I slashed my wrists to bleeding

Thorns in my fingers

We saw an elder bridge 


Bull in a glass shop 

Mirror ears 

Dried noodles in clear plastic canisters 

Goes as fast as it comes 


At the farm we strung tarps and assembled the metal pins

Two weeks ago we sheared hundreds of trees

In two weeks we will string the baler pad with lights 


Blood swelling under pinched skin

Put off by in crowds

Drive home and feast on arepas, fried plantain, Brussel sprouts, yucca  


Still can't get over that ottoman 

It's a cool thing that you get to do here 

I eye the chocolate for gluten 


Colorado, it was ego-pride. As if mere location made me better

Pennsylvania, it's fierce-pride. As if I've been told not to love myself and I do 


You can't catch a lightning bug's light 

Tires nearly bald 

Helpful stranger in the Rutter's parking lot 


Two dogs rolling and pissing and digging and running 

Hanna is learning to set boundaries 

Big for her britches, then the middle 


I got big for my britches

Thigh muscles swelling my running tights 

Then the injury 

Now the return to lankiness, stronger this time 


Whoa there, I got scared for a minute

Nowhere else to be but in the present moment 


A sudden craving for mango 

Seeing him that happy made me so happy

My heart swelled 

You're the only person on earth I want to do labor for 


Creative Outlet



That ottoman's got me coming 

Brown vinyl looks so good with the golden pillow and the oatmeal chair 

I don't think we should get up before 8 


Eating dried mango on the gray couch with Hanna 

Later this morning we'll go to the farm 

Everything is a made up construct that doesn't actually mean anything  



Talking the truth is hard 

I don't feel complicated about whether it's good or bad or neutral

Everything is all of it 


Biking the perimeter of the golf course 

Trail running alone 

Talking in the dark 

Wanting that blue reading chair so badly 


I don't know if I'm allowed to have anything nice


For so long it wasn't a question

Living out of tents, mousey cabins, then the trunk of my car and a couch in a falling-down house

So many small spaces 


I bought a house 

Every penny I worked for it 

It's golden alright 


The work before me is learning what it takes to give myself permission to buy the blue chair

More than a year now of yearning

More than a decade of yearning

Have I always been yearning 


The horse raises its head on thick chocolate neck and whinnies 

I have to accept that life has changed me



Saturday, October 22, 2022

Bumblebee jasper

 

The extension and the silence

We know how this works

Clockwork 


Morning snuggles on the mattress

Nine pounds of rumbling orange fur draped across my torso

Sixty-six solid pounds of dirty dog pressed to my legs, lightly snoring



This is new: he can look me in the eyes

On our sides in lamplight 

Afterward we ate scrambled eggs, bacon, hashbrowns on the couch 

They have won another game 

I wish he would read me

There's the tenderness 


Sweatshirts on the grey chair in disarray 

White egrets melting into rain 

You've kept me company in this place 


What's in the large paper bag on top of the dresser 

The swimsuit hangs from the door handle, unused since August - Adirondack hot tub

Adulthood is feeling behind all the time 

Losing ourselves, mowing the lawn, and feeding the dog on time 


I miss biking through the farmlands

Miss my mountain climbs, water soundtrack 

Miss my sister and my brother

It's Hanna's birthday soon 


Without a shift, it's probably time to let go 

I drink coffee every morning now 

Maybe it's been me all along 

When did it get to be late October 



Friday, October 21, 2022

For so long I had a story about my life

 


Anger gets to me 

I rise and head for the guest room 

still can't stop clenching 


It's starting to come to me 

head tilted back on the edge of the bed 

everyone said it catches up to you eventually 


I was running very fast and very far 

I got so tired 


Back halved 

Body shiv-shiv-shivering 

Hanna warm on foot 


He was mad about the bacon 

We saw things from a different angle 



Oh it was so bad

I didn't know how to begin to tell you 


Maybe you're an island I escape to

Broad shoulders now 

He's really trying to love you 


Is any of it enough 

Maybe I got what I wanted at the time, even if it wasn't good for me

Knees spread wide on the edge of the bed 

Maybe now I am getting what I want


Is it the presence or the past 

Looking at the swirling black light 

That part of me is real, a hurt dog squealing in the back of the cage 

That part of me is real, snarling  

That part of me is real, crying as fingers draw lightly across my back 


Family is not a safe word 

For so long I had a story about my life that didn't involve the drinking, head bashed against walls, shirts ripped, head twisted, back slammed into stones 

I carried cavernous suitcases alone 


I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry 

Like making people laugh 

KB intimates humor is a defense mechanism 


Queens street with the obnoxious security cams 

Palm slammed to blue hood 

Heavy metal in the park 

I once bought my produce at a bodega 


Okay okay you can do this 


All people are change 

You go or you grip 


I am here with you now 


brave girl 

land the plane 




I was younger once

 


Jeff Bezos invited Pete to go to outer space 

Do you regret me  

I have not been invited to take a photo in front of the Champions' Circle 



I have tried just about everything to get rid of this hip pain 

I have felled the Norway maple 

Planted the witch hazel 

Repotted the bird's nest fern

 

It's my first Prada show; it's her first Prada show 

Wilson is too cute for words 

Lunchtime run in the sunshine 

A long five months later I can move again 


Thank goodness 

wide sheep eye 

foraging is the new black 

we've been talking about this for years


Green straw stirring iced tea 

The gas light just came on 

I bought a green smoothie because there wasn't time to make lunch 

I got a frightening email and did jumping jacks for a while  

Can't stop clenching

Wegman's carded me despite the wide, white streaks in my hair 

 

 

The cucumbers are calling my name  

In the dark pressing backwards 

So good I cried

 

It made me fall in love with, like, passion

Tomorrow I will work in the yard, maybe go for a hike, return to the horse show 

Just because physical therapy didn't cure you this time doesn't mean it won't work for you in the future 

 

 

Thursday, October 20, 2022

Zizia aurea

 

 Maybe I'm an idiot  

There has to be a balance


Stay in the new moment 


I've coined a new term

These roads in spring and fall

I mean that's the thrust of it 

tongues water from the large silver bowl



c catharsis 

c and crying 

c backwards 

on my knees in the kitchen 

under the dusty globe lights 

I think it's really gonna catch on 



Why can't I take good care of myself? Who says?

I don't need permission 



Maybe it's a foil 

the wanting and not having 

witch hazel sprouts yellow tufted flowers in winter 

imagine. yellow flowering in the snow 



Please tell everyone I love them 

I'm really glad you came back 





Wednesday, October 19, 2022

A very angry son of a god

 

I know Cratos

He's not really a good guy 


Stay close 


I forgot how much I love this 

One of the best parts of myself 

I am building my dreams brick by brick 



The small child looses an arrow

The dragon lord strikes back 

The muscular man with the large axe swings and swings and swings 


Get down boy 



Do more things that bring that out of you 

I don't think I'm adequately appreciating what a difference it makes to have some fucking space 

I only deleted it because I have a plan 

Tomorrow I will go with some new friends to a lush meadow and gather indigenous seeds 



He is sporting the tunic of hope 

I have lived a very rich life and I'm grateful 





Tuesday, October 18, 2022

separate labels by commas


Oh good! Thanks you  

 

What a world


After accidentally leaving the contractor bag filled with two beige cushions corresponding to the pretty free chairs outside in the rain for several weeks and several rainfalls, I discovered the bag behind the mulch pile in the driveway, shook the sodden cushions from it, and encountered quite a lot of multicolored mold. Unsalvageable. Therefore I have purchased two new, custom, wool chair cushions from a kindly man in Ukraine. The transaction cost me far less than if I had purchased the set of chairs new, or even a single one of the chairs or a part of it. For the price of two cushions made by a kindly man in Ukraine, I could have purchased one part of one leg of a new, four-legged chair



Always get me writing again

This is not a coincidence 


I will not be embarrassed

I am trying not to be embarrassed 


I detect a whiff of self-regard

My ego has been humbled 


Miss going for walks on the green streets with the old houses and the stone walls 

Miss palm to palm  

Miss the mountains, always, another ache another companion 

Wish I could talk to you 


Keep it sacrosanct 

The trail creeps under the highway via culvert 

I am no longer a cool girl 

I'm still startled by growing up 

Wall hung with wildflowers 

What is the thought behind the thought? 



Fuck. I've nearly finished the crosswords  



 

working on it

 

 

Fetch the handsaw. There's a sapling needs cutting

 

Little bird pecking at the window screen 

The tiny flag planted in the dirt beside the slightly less tiny peperomia

Not Hardy

 

 

When did I turn into a coward? 

I guess I shouldn't have left the windows open 


It's getting cold

I have sunk six more woody trees and shrubs into the ground 

Three fast-growing ground covers 

Dozens of perennials 

After I have sawed down the Norway Maple, planted six more trees, tidied up the veggie beds, pulled the ivy, and addressed the compost situation, I will rest 



Well, not really. Next it's sales season 

Stand to full height so the high school boys take me serious 

Talk low and undeterred 



I'm not fucking around

They bought me an electric chainsaw

 

Before you know it I'll be back in the Adirondacks again 

I'll ski my way into the new year 

 

 

Did I mention I've been thinking of you this whole time? 

Stop me if you're tired of hearing it 

Not knowing is really hard 

 


Officially: the bird bath has a hole in it 

Doing yoga with the lights on 

So grateful to bend again 


It always comes down to the birds

 

Fall is foliaging 

Showering with coconut shampoo 

Red flannel pajama pants 

Hanna says it's dinner time 

Well, she paws it



Monday, October 17, 2022

fall foliage hike

 



wonders never cease 




Nine

 


Migraines for days

A thing that makes writing more comfortable than life is the backspace is always one fingertip away 



Did I, with you? 

I can't help myself from squirming 

A lot of people I've loved I don't talk to any more 


Hold on, past 

The wildflowers are mushrooming 



I remembered three nights ago a time when I was starving 




be nice rainbow on a faux leather string

 

I can't take any more in

Have you noticed? 


I can't do vodka shots any more 

All the worrying and the stress hormones 

All the motherfucking emails 

Rhizomatic notifications 

Meeting invites 


I call it off and go outside

Four out of twelve: 

dogwood, nannyberry, witch hazel, arrowwood 

Learning a new language 


So far on this land I have planted hundreds of native plants (and some parsley) 

Shoveled and wheelbarrowed nine truck scoops of wood chips alone 

Ripped cardboard til my arms shook, adhesives coating my hands 

Dozens of 

green-breathing plants 

in my home 


The bumblebees are coming 


Cute little friends 

The first I've had one 

Breathy 

Quiet 


Life is better at the lake 

Feels so good 

On my back on the red couch 

My breasts are okay.  


The green starry plant, once so leggy and straining, gets the sun it needs and relaxes into itself




Your body is processing so much 


If you come over I'll ask you which room is most like me 




Sunday, October 16, 2022

I haven't heard you make that sound before

 

In lieu of the cabin I drive two hours north and climb a small, old mountain in the woods 

Feels good to propel myself uphill


Highbush blueberry magenta in fall 

Yellow-orange tapestry draped over gullies, around scree fields 

Black striations curve through glacial rock 

Up here there is no stiltgrass or mile-a-minute

The forest breathes easier 


The sports fans keep checking the scores

The fantasy is engulfed in vines 


Finally I am reading again

The drill points arrestingly from the top of the dresser 

Crying out orgasms on the basement couch 

I'll take one schnoodle to go, please


Be advised of drone restrictions and the general firewood quarantine 

I don't know how to release this hurt 

I will always know how you were willing to treat me


Of course, I'm no angel 

I drove all day. All day I was droving.