There will be no more November in 2023

 

I have honored the spirit of the challenge if not all of its letters

What I like about the Little Women is that they take each other's feelings seriously

She thinks I am here to serve her 

This angers me

I am frequently angry 

At any given moment I am most likely brimming with rage 

Sometimes it gets the better of me 

What might my life be like if they had taught me to harness it 

Perhaps I might have felt capable instead of ashamed 

Perhaps my back wouldn't hurt so much 

Perhaps I'd never have starved 

Don't bother me with what ifs 

I am trying to engage with reality 

In reality I am both far more and far less remarkable than I'd once thought 

I take my inspiration from the people who have lost and yet still love so much 

Let me stay tender-hearted*... 

Maybe some people find it embarrassing: feeling this much 

No matter. My heart is with the poets 

*Chen Chen

I watch their pleasure for the joy of it

 

 

On my back on the gray couch 

I'm sick of this story 

You're cruel and uncaring 

 

All the kindness I had I gave to a person who could not receive it 

All the stories I shared I shared with a person who could not receive them 

So lonely for so many years 

Now I watch him worship her and it mirrors the way you worshiped her, the safest place you had 

Now you're teaching children how to ride a bike

Now you say vulnerable

Now your body wears that old cap flipped upwards  

 

All of you in one picture

 

Without knowing it, I have allowed pain and fear to corrupt me 

Fancied myself Galadriel 

The test is longer than a moment 

How are you feeling, and how will you respond?

 

 

Please excuse me

I've been so tired and so lonely

Strand by strand, my hair turning to white

I froze

I am so sad for the young woman who went through all that alone

 

I am still shadow boxing with who he used to be

Sweat blurring my eyes too much to see what's in front of me

As you revealed your tender heart I was bricking mine up and pretending to be a mason

The truth is I have no idea how to maintain a wall

You were so sick and I was so scared 

 

 

 

 

Grain free tortilla chips

 

So many epiphanies 

How to put them into practice

I keep picturing Calvin and Hobbes

under the umbrella waiting for the school bus 

I sure do invest a lot in telling myself I don't feel what I think I so often feel 

I miss my dear, emotionally brave friends 

Everything seems affected 

Truthfully the reaching out felt worse than the retreating

I have been self-pitying 

I have felt cynical and regretful; I have regressed  

My ego has swelled like a raisin floating in sink water 

I have met myself with permissiveness and understanding 

Necessary, and necessarily time limited 

isosceles

 

Lying on my stomach with my feet up

legs a triangle 

left toes propped against the top of my right foot 

Many years ago I studied geometry 

Then I devoted my life to words

The day began with coffee stirred with adaptogenic mushrooms and (who have I become) pumpkin spice almond-milk creamer

A trip to Lowe's for outdoor christmas lights

A walk in the woods with the dogs 

A short 18-mile bike ride with a big climb to finish 

Home-cooked lunch 

A couple hours of cleaning and tidying -- wash the dishes, sanitize the counters, run the towels through the washer on hot, put away the clean laundry, fold the clothes on the bedroom chair, empty the bathroom trash cans, break down the cardboard boxes, take out the recycling, sort the pile of mail on the kitchen island 

All the while managing grief, shame, overwhelm, burnout, rage -- stalwart companions 

I have reached a stage of life where I would rather clean than sit down now, even though I'm tired, because I know it will help me feel better later that day and the next one 

Thank you past June 

So much of aging has been understanding and, in many cases, embodying attitudes that previously seemed unfathomable 

I haven't been feeling beautiful of late 

Growing my hair longer helps 

Having sex helps 

Perhaps, more accurately, I haven't had energy with which to consider beauty 

That's why I was so grateful -- to see the morning fog settled into the bare-limbed forest stretched across the valley floor before me, and the sunlight in it, and to feel and say out loud to myself, without knowing I was going to speak, oh wow

Perhaps there's an element of defiance 

In the grocery store wearing a yellow beanie and an oversized green hoodie over old, loose jeans 

Looking a little worse for wear 

Looking for anyone paying attention like a person who is not feeling well 

Like two gaunt children under hunter-green robes, eyes bloodshot and bruising 

As if to say, are you capable of bearing witness to this suffering? 

I am trying to bear witness 

Even if no one else takes this as seriously as I do, I take it seriously 

When the major launched his attack, I was ready for it 

I picked up the pace and dropped him as I crested the hill 

Something in me has yet to be born 

My mother keeps telling me 

You only get more invisible

Pretty close still

 

I forgot how much I needed that 

Like existentially  

Long white robe, knee high socks 

Eating Thanksgiving leftovers 

I did the mashed potatoes my way 

Let the hackles raise and I stood my ground 

No salt though 

I found myself yesterday having actually internalized the knowledge, after three and a half decades and change, that I don't have to let them tell me how to feel about myself, my penchant for losing things, or my life's choices. I don't need to either. I don't want to. 

While she monologued, he flushed with shame, and I sat down on the folding chair across from him. We shared knowing eye contact. I reached across and held his hand. 

Dad you're so much better than you know 

I wish you would stop killing yourself. 

As of this morning the puppy weighs between 28 and 29 pounds. 

I have been going through some really heavy stuff for a prolonged time now  

My life and my body reflect that 

Aches and pains 

I'm sorry I haven't texted back 

So lonely, so lonely 

Nobody can really go through it with you, even if they wanted to 

I miss when friends had time for each other 

I love you and

you let me down 

you let me down 

you let me down 

Still I will put on my reflective vest and I will walk along the side of the road with cars blasting by and I will pick up the pieces with one of those grabby arm extender things 

The pieces are blue 

I will gather them into a bag 

I will incorporate them into a bigger puzzle, one that also has a lot of blue in it, so all the blue pieces appear simply to be part of the bigger picture 

If you see me on the side of the road I might appear to be limping 

I'm sorry okay 

I was aware it's a thing that happens to people but I wasn't aware that grief could turn me into an asshole too 

I've only just become aware of how much I'm suffering 

Also, for so long I didn't know I was a person too 

And therefore just as susceptible as everyone else 

Finally I feel a little less hungry 

What's keeping me going: 

riding my bike 

avoiding silence 

cortisol rattling my bones 

faith that deconstruction is succeeded by regrowth 

reconnecting to my self 

the possibility for meaningful shifts in my career 

an almost morbid curiosity about just how awful it's possible to feel in this context  

puppy school 

Patti Smith's Horses

He got so cold 

I wish, when they saw us sitting together on the white couches in the living room, they'd recruited someone else to help in the kitchen and left us to talk with each other 

The most well intentioned man on earth

 

To hear you tell it 

You've never intended anything unkind 

You've never intended to act like you're the only person who matters 

You've never intended to leave all the labor to her

You've never intended to be so callous, immature, juvenile, misogynistic, petty, uncaring, self-centered 

You've never intended to betray her trust over 

and over 

and yet 

When she tells you 

It's happening 

You keep doing it 

The dehumanization 

of that 

So often acting like your father and so blind to it

Too weak and fragile to see anything clearly 

Thinking yourself awake 

You've never even read bell hooks, Butler, Friedan, de Beauvoir, Wollstonecraft 

You've never had to read bell hooks, Butler, Friedan, de Beauvoir, Wollstonecraft 

Never had to search for glimmers of your own humanity 

Never lived as a second class citizen, subject to all the violence and all the clarity that entails 

Never been married to an alcoholic 

All the damage 

that entails 

They will never stop treating you poorly. 

They will never stop mattering more than everyone else on earth. 

No matter, you 

are never not the most affected  

Meanwhile the canary gasps for breath 

She told you 

Lies wrapped in lies, then deep fried 

Dried up at the center 

The heart, burnt to a crisp 

From now on I would like to feel the opposite of diminished 

Afternoon ride

 

Repair comes slowly 

Wary animals 

Craving comfort 

A felled mallard on the living room floor 

I like the globe lights

I want to paint my kitchen green 

It might not be exactly where or how I expected but I am certainly glad to experience having a home 

Every day tromping through the woods with the girls

A native wildflower meadow 

A shaded woodland stream 

The overlook above the shattered crystal 

At last I take to the road 

Pedaling light and quickly 

A hawk swoops in front of my handlebars 

What is and has been severed should not be severed 

This time we are better equipped to determine what's going wrong

I need your honesty 

This time we will ride through the winter