I forgot how much I needed that
Like existentially
Long white robe, knee high socks
Eating Thanksgiving leftovers
I did the mashed potatoes my way
Let the hackles raise and I stood my ground
No salt though
I found myself yesterday having actually internalized the knowledge, after three and a half decades and change, that I don't have to let them tell me how to feel about myself, my penchant for losing things, or my life's choices. I don't need to either. I don't want to.
While she monologued, he flushed with shame, and I sat down on the folding chair across from him. We shared knowing eye contact. I reached across and held his hand.
Dad you're so much better than you know
I wish you would stop killing yourself.
As of this morning the puppy weighs between 28 and 29 pounds.
I have been going through some really heavy stuff for a prolonged time now
My life and my body reflect that
Aches and pains
I'm sorry I haven't texted back
So lonely, so lonely
Nobody can really go through it with you, even if they wanted to
I miss when friends had time for each other
I love you and
you let me down
you let me down
you let me down
Still I will put on my reflective vest and I will walk along the side of the road with cars blasting by and I will pick up the pieces with one of those grabby arm extender things
The pieces are blue
I will gather them into a bag
I will incorporate them into a bigger puzzle, one that also has a lot of blue in it, so all the blue pieces appear simply to be part of the bigger picture
If you see me on the side of the road I might appear to be limping
I'm sorry okay
I was aware it's a thing that happens to people but I wasn't aware that grief could turn me into an asshole too
I've only just become aware of how much I'm suffering
Also, for so long I didn't know I was a person too
And therefore just as susceptible as everyone else
Finally I feel a little less hungry
What's keeping me going:
riding my bike
avoiding silence
cortisol rattling my bones
faith that deconstruction is succeeded by regrowth
reconnecting to my self
the possibility for meaningful shifts in my career
an almost morbid curiosity about just how awful it's possible to feel in this context
puppy school
Patti Smith's Horses
He got so cold
I wish, when they saw us sitting together on the white couches in the living room, they'd recruited someone else to help in the kitchen and left us to talk with each other
