Lying on my stomach with my feet up
legs a triangle
left toes propped against the top of my right foot
Many years ago I studied geometry
Then I devoted my life to words
The day began with coffee stirred with adaptogenic mushrooms and (who have I become) pumpkin spice almond-milk creamer
A trip to Lowe's for outdoor christmas lights
A walk in the woods with the dogs
A short 18-mile bike ride with a big climb to finish
Home-cooked lunch
A couple hours of cleaning and tidying -- wash the dishes, sanitize the counters, run the towels through the washer on hot, put away the clean laundry, fold the clothes on the bedroom chair, empty the bathroom trash cans, break down the cardboard boxes, take out the recycling, sort the pile of mail on the kitchen island
All the while managing grief, shame, overwhelm, burnout, rage -- stalwart companions
I have reached a stage of life where I would rather clean than sit down now, even though I'm tired, because I know it will help me feel better later that day and the next one
Thank you past June
So much of aging has been understanding and, in many cases, embodying attitudes that previously seemed unfathomable
I haven't been feeling beautiful of late
Growing my hair longer helps
Having sex helps
Perhaps, more accurately, I haven't had energy with which to consider beauty
That's why I was so grateful -- to see the morning fog settled into the bare-limbed forest stretched across the valley floor before me, and the sunlight in it, and to feel and say out loud to myself, without knowing I was going to speak, oh wow
Perhaps there's an element of defiance
In the grocery store wearing a yellow beanie and an oversized green hoodie over old, loose jeans
Looking a little worse for wear
Looking for anyone paying attention like a person who is not feeling well
Like two gaunt children under hunter-green robes, eyes bloodshot and bruising
As if to say, are you capable of bearing witness to this suffering?
I am trying to bear witness
Even if no one else takes this as seriously as I do, I take it seriously
When the major launched his attack, I was ready for it
I picked up the pace and dropped him as I crested the hill
Something in me has yet to be born
My mother keeps telling me
You only get more invisible
