Here's the thing
If I open, the longing comes back
I work all morning then take the dog for a walk
For several minutes we watch the roofers
I work all afternoon then lift weights in the back room upstairs
I take a shower
I take the dog to her agility class
I drive home with the windows down
I get lost in the dark in a corporate complex
Back at home, I rub coconut oil into my scalp. My hair is instantly oily
I watch another 40 minutes of insights for restoring the canopied landscape
I eat samosas and riced cauliflower to quiet the yearning
I had suppressed how much I wanted somebody to want to see
You get to a certain point and you realize you made some mistakes
In my case I suppressed awakeness for accomplishment, intimacy for the fear of being alone
I understand why my Dad started playing the drums
