This softened state

 

The upside of my back injury is that I have gradually and with much emotional toil become less concerned with my muscles

My arms are softer and I feel calm about it

A revelation

In fact I was thinking earlier how much I like thirty-something bodies, mine included 

They've been humbled, lived in. They know some things. They've encountered limitations and kept going. There's something so attractive about a body as it slows down, as it grows wiser. There's less pretending; it's less possible. They're softer. When you press into them, and you are also in a lived-in body, they squish together. They make room for each other 

For a little while there I mistook physical toughness for strength -- all the rock climbing and the mountaineering and the bike climbs and the backcountry skiing. And I was strong, and I'm grateful for it, and I'm glad to know I'm that capable. And also I think I am stronger now, in this softened state, than I had been for quite some time