Hawthorn Ham

So many writing ideas and also I'm so tired. I write for the love of it and I write more when I have concrete justification. Does that make me less of an artist? Maybe. I don't know. But a self-aware one. An artist who leverages her self-awareness to write more, because really that's what she wants to be doing more of, it's just that she's developed so many awfully unaligned habits


I miss our accountability


I had forgotten that I had agency over anything


I understand that our outsides can be a reflection of how we're feeling on the inside and also they can be a mask for it. I have not felt as good as it might look from the outside

I'm sad that none of my friends asked how I was doing when I was living alone.



I'm sad in general today, not sure why, or rather I have so many possible reasons why that I'm not sure which one might be today's driving force. Hanna is restless; we've been inside all day; it's the first day I've spent inside possibly all year. In half an hour I will press myself up off the couch and we will go hike the snow-muddied trails where coyotes prowl at dusk

Mountain lions, too, but they don't make noise or otherwise call attention to themselves. If they don't want to be seen they won't be. Picture the largest housecat you've ever met and multiply it by whatever integer zooms it up to 180 pounds and seven feet from wriggling nose to tail


The last time we were camping together she slept and I laid tense and breathless listening to a fox scream


The last time he and I were camping together our tent froze over in early July. Hanna pressed between us in her den of quilts and we triple spooned for warmth


Computer algorithms create fabricated synchronicities. Is it faith or capitalism?


Starting in 24 days I am really going to apply myself to something for an extended period of time

Also I already have been--for more than two years now I've been teaching something that I love


After driving with my partner to the woman-owned ski shop and laying down a credit card for performance boots so that I can learn how to downhill ski this winter and for the rest of my life, because I live in the mountains where I have since childhood felt I belonged, it occurred to me that in some ways perhaps I am leading an even more remarkable life than I'd expected