just about sulfates-free

 

That is literally the smallest load of laundry I've ever done in my life 

At the laundromat in Maine. At the laundromat in Queens. At the laundromat in a small dusty town in the Rockies.

In order to remove part of the rambling rose I slashed my wrists to bleeding

Thorns in my fingers

We saw an elder bridge 

Bull in a glass shop 

Mirror ears 

Dried noodles in clear plastic canisters 

Goes as fast as it comes 

At the farm we strung tarps and assembled the metal pins

Two weeks ago we sheared hundreds of trees

In two weeks we will string the baler pad with lights 

Blood swelling under pinched skin

Put off by in crowds

Drive home and feast on arepas, fried plantain, Brussel sprouts, yucca  

Still can't get over that ottoman 

It's a cool thing that you get to do here 

I eye the chocolate for gluten 

Colorado, it was ego-pride. As if mere location made me better

Pennsylvania, it's fierce-pride. As if I've been told not to love myself and I do 

You can't catch a lightning bug's light 

Tires nearly bald 

Helpful stranger in the Rutter's parking lot 

Two dogs rolling and pissing and digging and running 

Hanna is learning to set boundaries 

Big for her britches, then the middle 

I got big for my britches

Thigh muscles swelling my running tights 

Then the injury 

Now the return to lankiness, stronger this time 

Whoa there, I got scared for a minute

Nowhere else to be but in the present moment 

A sudden craving for mango 

Seeing him that happy made me so happy

My heart swelled 

You're the only person on earth I want to do labor for 

Creative Outlet

That ottoman's got me coming 

Brown vinyl looks so good with the golden pillow and the oatmeal chair 

I don't think we should get up before 8 

Eating dried mango on the gray couch with Hanna 

Later this morning we'll go to the farm 

Everything is a made up construct that doesn't actually mean anything  

Talking the truth is hard 

I don't feel complicated about whether it's good or bad or neutral

Everything is all of it 

Biking the perimeter of the golf course 

Trail running alone 

Talking in the dark 

Wanting that blue reading chair so badly 

I don't know if I'm allowed to have anything nice

For so long it wasn't a question

Living out of tents, mousey cabins, then the trunk of my car and a couch in a falling-down house

So many small spaces 

I bought a house 

Every penny I worked for it 

It's golden alright 

The work before me is learning what it takes to give myself permission to buy the blue chair

More than a year now of yearning

More than a decade of yearning

Have I always been yearning 

The horse raises its head on thick chocolate neck and whinnies 

I have to accept that life has changed me

Bumblebee jasper

 

The extension and the silence

We know how this works

Clockwork 

Morning snuggles on the mattress

Nine pounds of rumbling orange fur draped across my torso

Sixty-six solid pounds of dirty dog pressed to my legs, lightly snoring

This is new: he can look me in the eyes

On our sides in lamplight 

Afterward we ate scrambled eggs, bacon, hashbrowns on the couch 

They have won another game 

I wish he would read me

There's the tenderness 

Sweatshirts on the grey chair in disarray 

White egrets melting into rain 

You've kept me company in this place 

What's in the large paper bag on top of the dresser 

The swimsuit hangs from the door handle, unused since August - Adirondack hot tub

Adulthood is feeling behind all the time 

Losing ourselves, mowing the lawn, and feeding the dog on time 

I miss biking through the farmlands

Miss my mountain climbs, water soundtrack 

Miss my sister and my brother

It's Hanna's birthday soon 

Without a shift, it's probably time to let go 

I drink coffee every morning now 

Maybe it's been me all along 

When did it get to be late October 

For so long I had a story about my life

 

Anger gets to me 

I rise and head for the guest room 

still can't stop clenching 

It's starting to come to me 

head tilted back on the edge of the bed 

everyone said it catches up to you eventually 

I was running very fast and very far 

I got so tired 

Back halved 

Body shiv-shiv-shivering 

Hanna warm on foot 

He was mad about the bacon 

We saw things from a different angle 

Oh it was so bad

I didn't know how to begin to tell you 

Maybe you're an island I escape to

Broad shoulders now 

He's really trying to love you 

Is any of it enough 

Maybe I got what I wanted at the time, even if it wasn't good for me

Knees spread wide on the edge of the bed 

Maybe now I am getting what I want

Is it the presence or the past 

Looking at the swirling black light 

That part of me is real, a hurt dog squealing in the back of the cage 

That part of me is real, snarling  

That part of me is real, crying as fingers draw lightly across my back 

Family is not a safe word 

For so long I had a story about my life that didn't involve the drinking, head bashed against walls, shirts ripped, head twisted, back slammed into stones 

I carried cavernous suitcases alone 

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry 

Like making people laugh 

KB intimates humor is a defense mechanism 

Queens street with the obnoxious security cams 

Palm slammed to blue hood 

Heavy metal in the park 

I once bought my produce at a bodega 

Okay okay you can do this 

All people are change 

You go or you grip 

I am here with you now 

brave girl 

land the plane 

I was younger once

 

Jeff Bezos invited Pete to go to outer space 

Do you regret me  

I have not been invited to take a photo in front of the Champions' Circle 

I have tried just about everything to get rid of this hip pain 

I have felled the Norway maple 

Planted the witch hazel 

Repotted the bird's nest fern

 

It's my first Prada show; it's her first Prada show 

Wilson is too cute for words 

Lunchtime run in the sunshine 

A long five months later I can move again 

Thank goodness 

wide sheep eye 

foraging is the new black 

we've been talking about this for years

Green straw stirring iced tea 

The gas light just came on 

I bought a green smoothie because there wasn't time to make lunch 

I got a frightening email and did jumping jacks for a while  

Can't stop clenching

Wegman's carded me despite the wide, white streaks in my hair 

 

 

The cucumbers are calling my name  

In the dark pressing backwards 

So good I cried

 

It made me fall in love with, like, passion

Tomorrow I will work in the yard, maybe go for a hike, return to the horse show 

Just because physical therapy didn't cure you this time doesn't mean it won't work for you in the future 

 

 

Zizia aurea

 

 Maybe I'm an idiot  

There has to be a balance

Stay in the new moment 

I've coined a new term

These roads in spring and fall

I mean that's the thrust of it 

tongues water from the large silver bowl

c catharsis 

c and crying 

c backwards 

on my knees in the kitchen 

under the dusty globe lights 

I think it's really gonna catch on 

Why can't I take good care of myself? Who says?

I don't need permission 

Maybe it's a foil 

the wanting and not having 

witch hazel sprouts yellow tufted flowers in winter 

imagine. yellow flowering in the snow 

Please tell everyone I love them 

I'm really glad you came back 

A very angry son of a god

 

I know Cratos

He's not really a good guy 

Stay close 

I forgot how much I love this 

One of the best parts of myself 

I am building my dreams brick by brick 

The small child looses an arrow

The dragon lord strikes back 

The muscular man with the large axe swings and swings and swings 

Get down boy 

Do more things that bring that out of you 

I don't think I'm adequately appreciating what a difference it makes to have some fucking space 

I only deleted it because I have a plan 

Tomorrow I will go with some new friends to a lush meadow and gather indigenous seeds 

He is sporting the tunic of hope 

I have lived a very rich life and I'm grateful