isosceles

 

Lying on my stomach with my feet up

legs a triangle 

left toes propped against the top of my right foot 

Many years ago I studied geometry 

Then I devoted my life to words

The day began with coffee stirred with adaptogenic mushrooms and (who have I become) pumpkin spice almond-milk creamer

A trip to Lowe's for outdoor christmas lights

A walk in the woods with the dogs 

A short 18-mile bike ride with a big climb to finish 

Home-cooked lunch 

A couple hours of cleaning and tidying -- wash the dishes, sanitize the counters, run the towels through the washer on hot, put away the clean laundry, fold the clothes on the bedroom chair, empty the bathroom trash cans, break down the cardboard boxes, take out the recycling, sort the pile of mail on the kitchen island 

All the while managing grief, shame, overwhelm, burnout, rage -- stalwart companions 

I have reached a stage of life where I would rather clean than sit down now, even though I'm tired, because I know it will help me feel better later that day and the next one 

Thank you past June 

So much of aging has been understanding and, in many cases, embodying attitudes that previously seemed unfathomable 

I haven't been feeling beautiful of late 

Growing my hair longer helps 

Having sex helps 

Perhaps, more accurately, I haven't had energy with which to consider beauty 

That's why I was so grateful -- to see the morning fog settled into the bare-limbed forest stretched across the valley floor before me, and the sunlight in it, and to feel and say out loud to myself, without knowing I was going to speak, oh wow

Perhaps there's an element of defiance 

In the grocery store wearing a yellow beanie and an oversized green hoodie over old, loose jeans 

Looking a little worse for wear 

Looking for anyone paying attention like a person who is not feeling well 

Like two gaunt children under hunter-green robes, eyes bloodshot and bruising 

As if to say, are you capable of bearing witness to this suffering? 

I am trying to bear witness 

Even if no one else takes this as seriously as I do, I take it seriously 

When the major launched his attack, I was ready for it 

I picked up the pace and dropped him as I crested the hill 

Something in me has yet to be born 

My mother keeps telling me 

You only get more invisible