Pretty close still

 

I forgot how much I needed that 

Like existentially  

Long white robe, knee high socks 

Eating Thanksgiving leftovers 

I did the mashed potatoes my way 

Let the hackles raise and I stood my ground 

No salt though 

I found myself yesterday having actually internalized the knowledge, after three and a half decades and change, that I don't have to let them tell me how to feel about myself, my penchant for losing things, or my life's choices. I don't need to either. I don't want to. 

While she monologued, he flushed with shame, and I sat down on the folding chair across from him. We shared knowing eye contact. I reached across and held his hand. 

Dad you're so much better than you know 

I wish you would stop killing yourself. 

As of this morning the puppy weighs between 28 and 29 pounds. 

I have been going through some really heavy stuff for a prolonged time now  

My life and my body reflect that 

Aches and pains 

I'm sorry I haven't texted back 

So lonely, so lonely 

Nobody can really go through it with you, even if they wanted to 

I miss when friends had time for each other 

I love you and

you let me down 

you let me down 

you let me down 

Still I will put on my reflective vest and I will walk along the side of the road with cars blasting by and I will pick up the pieces with one of those grabby arm extender things 

The pieces are blue 

I will gather them into a bag 

I will incorporate them into a bigger puzzle, one that also has a lot of blue in it, so all the blue pieces appear simply to be part of the bigger picture 

If you see me on the side of the road I might appear to be limping 

I'm sorry okay 

I was aware it's a thing that happens to people but I wasn't aware that grief could turn me into an asshole too 

I've only just become aware of how much I'm suffering 

Also, for so long I didn't know I was a person too 

And therefore just as susceptible as everyone else 

Finally I feel a little less hungry 

What's keeping me going: 

riding my bike 

avoiding silence 

cortisol rattling my bones 

faith that deconstruction is succeeded by regrowth 

reconnecting to my self 

the possibility for meaningful shifts in my career 

an almost morbid curiosity about just how awful it's possible to feel in this context  

puppy school 

Patti Smith's Horses

He got so cold 

I wish, when they saw us sitting together on the white couches in the living room, they'd recruited someone else to help in the kitchen and left us to talk with each other